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The 2012 NFFL Draft

August 19, 2012

Our fantasy football league held its 7th annual draft this weekend at the Brickyard Eatery in Monticello, Florida.  This is the second year we have done a live draft, and we have eight of ten owners in attendance.  The owner of the Brickyard hooked us up with a pile of Buffalo wings and I brought some ice cold beer and a red velvet gooey butter cake.  Between eating, some good-natured ribbing, and a fair amount of cussing we picked our teams.

An article on the inter-web set out the 10 types of people at every draft.  Ours was no exception and here is my take on how the categories my fellow NFFL Owners fall into according to a post on Coed Magazine:

Bill Kristoph, The Noob  – He’s the guy who been a fan of the NFL for his whole life and just got into this whole fantasy football thing. When the draft rolls around, he picks players that are retired, mispronounces names or even picks the same player twice. He usually trades away his good players for guys past their prime and complains when he forgets to pull players out of his line-up on bye weeks. You pray he’s in your league for years to come but don’t be surprised if he disappears to never be heard from again.

Seth Rubin, The Perennial Bridesmaid – He’s the guy who always drafts a good team but falls short of a championship due to bad luck or other acts of the fantasy football gods that he believes were specifically placed to prevent him from winning. A championship win to him would mean everything but he will consistently be the bridesmaid instead of the bride. To put it bluntly, he’s the Marty Schottenheimer of fantasy football. However, regardless of the conventional wisdom telling him to quit, he keeps plugging away.

Tyler McNeill, The Trade Happy Move-Maker –  Much like that kid in grade school who wanted your pudding cup, The Trader is never happy with his squad regardless of how he drafted. He bombards you with deals that don’t make sense to you until you realize later that he hustled you for Wes Welker. He makes Jim Cramer proud and might get an internship with an NFL team soon, you just pray he doesn’t become your favorite team’s general manager.

Tom Criss, the League Champion – This guy dictates the rest of his winning seasons like an NFL Films championship film on repeat. He regales you with tales of Maurice Jones Drew scoring the game-winning touchdown that earned him the league crown and that savvy waiver-wire pick-up of Arian Foster. You pray that he doesn’t win this season but most often than not, he usually does.

Kirsten Matthis, The Token Chick – Whether it be someone’s girlfriend, a college acquaintance, or that girl Rick’s been trying to smush since last week, they usually bring an added sex appeal to the draft. If they happen to be any good at the game, that’s just a blessing in disguise since you might be able to make that NFL slumber party possible.

Joe Zollner, The Shit-Talker – Whether it be through e-mail, Facebook or Twitter, he mocks how badly you and everyone else performed last week. No one’s family, girlfriend, or significant other is off limits to the smack talker but be careful, he has the tendency to go overboard and I would take that death threat very seriously.

Kirk Reams, The Wildcard – They might be the worst team ever created, the playoff darling that everybody loves, or the trade that changed the course of someone’s destiny. The Wild Card could be anyone: your mother, John in accounting, or that famous celebrity you asked on Twitter to join you.

Mike Bonfanti, The Commish – Most of the time, the Commish is either a benevolent dictator like Roger Goodell or rule with an iron fist like Bert Bell. Most of the time, the Commish is your friend until you beat him during the season and then, I feel bad for your crappy waiver wire order for next week.

Mike Haire, The Ghost – For most fantasy football players, the draft is held as a live event and this is where many people find out about the auto-drafter. He’s the guy who doesn’t show up to the draft and forces the computer to take the picks for him. Sure, you wanted Cam Newton but the auto-drafter gets him due to the rankings created by someone else. For most, the auto-drafter reminds them of the guy who comes to the party late but still scores the hot chick.

Rebecca Bonfanti, The Homer – This guy’s house is decked out with his favorite team’s colors/logo and he treats his fantasy team with that same insane level of fandom. He’ll never pick certain players because they play for his heated rival and who cares if he drafts nothing but guys on his favorite team, they’re going all the way this season. You give “The Homer” credit for sticking with his team but his fantasy success is slim at best.

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